i've always wanted to be a slut. to fuck whoever i want whenever i want. to be sexually free.

i'm getting there. i'm finding opportunities and pathways that lead to novel experiences. one of those is tinder

ah tinder, the non monetary marketplace of people. where we window shop and engage in barter. where appearance is everything and substance is insubstantial.

many of my encounters on tinder are routine now. expected. it starts with a boy. it's always a boy. mostly a boy with a vanilla profile, sometimes one a bit more interesting. i advertise myself variously, but always openly as a trans woman. queer. kinky. sensitive and pleasure seeking.

i think i need a rewind. let's back up and discuss pornography. specifically tgirls.

tgirl porn is a genre that features beautiful busty pre-op transgender women engaging in sexual acts with men, women, and other tgirls. the focus is almost uniformly concentrated on the cock. as the cock is sucked and fucked. as it's rock hard shaft penetrates. as others seek to pleasure it, worship it, engulf it.

this genre is problematic. moreso than generic m/f porn or gangbangs or teen girls or others along the spectrum descending into utter exploitation.

men who watch tgirl porn are trained to think that all transgender women are tgirls. that the tgirls themselves want to be tgirls. that fucking a trans woman means worshipping her cock.

this leads many men -- and always men -- to try to lump me into the tgirl category. to try to have some experience with my cock, to live out some specific fantasy, not with me per se, but with my body, my tits and my ass and my cock.

so when i am asked if i'm kinky, i answer yes, because i am. i like unusual things sexually.

and when i ask if they are, they say yes. and it is clear that I am their kink. "i've never been topped." "i want you to cum down my throat." "i've always wanted to suck a cock."

i don't have a cock. not a penis or a dick. it's gone, and i am happy with that.

i'm frustrated that they suppose i have one. it's objectifying. it's demeaning. i can tell a man repeatedly that i cannot do what they want, and they don't bother to ask why. they just keep going, fantasizing at me about me and my nonexistent cock.

few are the people who don't care about what's between my legs, for whom a filtering question isn't "do you still have it?". fuck.

what do i want? to be a woman. to be treated not as a tgirl but as a girl, as a human being, as a mind, soul, and body. to be loved for who i am, not the shaft i am supposed to have.

a recent encounter highlights the troublesome nature of being a post op trans woman. i was sharing a bit about myself with a new person -- yes, tinder.

i drop phrases like 'i finished dilating" and "postop" deliberately to give away the chase, so that if my fucking genitals are a dealbreaker we can both walk away earlier. it's self defense. i think i have to do it.

in this particular episode, a little while passed between communication, and a question was posed: "can you explain postop real quick?"

i mean, yes i can. but i don't want to. it means defending my genitals. defending my cock and cunt. and it sucks.

so i do, because what else am i supposed to do?

i explain i've have gender confirmation surgery, that i traded in stock equipment for custom.

my potential asks for a picture. i decline, offering to show a pic in person. this is acceptable.

but it feels like too much. it feels like i'm asking for the letter for gcs again, that i have to justify my vagina.

i'll still meet the person. i do understand. it's foreign, a surgically constructed pussy. they are undeniably different from natal vaginas.

i don't know what to do. i don't want to put that i'm postop on my profile, much as that would help filter out the trashy shitheads who just want my cock. but it doesn't solve the problem. there's no way out of this double bind. the pass reveal double bind i encounter as a trans woman seems like a receding horizon problem. merely revealing that i am trans isn't enough. not only are people transphobic, but they are also postoperative phobic. the double bind persists to my genitals. and i fucking hate it, knowing it will never end, that the only way to stop it is to stop looking for partners. i reiterate: fuck.

i want to conclude with a defiant statement: go fuck yourself if you think i'm less a woman because of what's between my legs, or any other reason. fuck you if you think tgirl porn is real, and that every trans girl wants to live out your stupid broken fantasies. fuck you if you don't read my goddamn profile.

but that doesn't solve the problem. i guess i'll just bite my damn tongue and deal with the hate and misogyny and bigotry. cuz i can't stop looking for partners. looking -- that's the only way i'll ever find the people who will mesh with me.